Fear & Vulnerability

Couple quick house-keeping notes:

1. Not a ton of art this month because I was busy writing, and then visiting pals and seeing a bunch of art! 🖼️

2. I had some people try to pay for a subscription here, despite me always wanting to keep this free (I finally found the last pesky setting to turn off in substack that asks for money). However, if you do want to throw some funds my way, feel free to donate over at my Ko-Fi—but no pressure! I only mention because some people did and who am I to say no to some extra cash towards comic printing expenses 😘

I've been scared a lot, or, I hit a wall.

This past month while I toiled away on the revised outline for the graphic novel I'm working on, I found myself avoiding the act of writing altogether (even writing for this newsletter). I can't speak for others, but I know a lot of the time when I hit a wall like that the reality is I'm scared.

I'd like to tell myself oh, I don't have any ideas, but if I was honest with myself that statement would be I worry all my ideas are bad. And I do, constantly.

I don’t think I’m sharing anything terribly new here, but I hope they all prove to be nice reminders for yourself.

How to deal with the fear

My main source of dealing with a fear block like this (other than therapy) is having a conversation with myself. I list out all the things that I'm worried about. It ends up with a list like this:

I recently read Make Your Art No Matter What (it's pretty good and I especially advise it if you're a person that manages or lives with creatives to get some insight into the anxiety) and Beth Pickens does a similar exercise with her clients, only where they have to talk out to the "conclusion", which apparently often is "I'll end up penniless on the streets".

Another thing that I picked up from a mix of therapy and self-help books is writing all your fears and countering them with the the flipside/good outcomes. So, for example, up there I wrote I think I am scared because no one will like it, and opposite or underneath that I'd then write okay but what if lots of people love it--they've been waiting for something just like it, and it's your best-selling yet? (my therapist would tell me something along the lines of being more confident in that statement or dreaming bigger—and she's right, but I'm a work in progress.)

The final thing is reminding myself that everyone goes through this fear. I think of creatives I look up to, I find quotes or snippets of them talking about similar fears, or fear in general, and I remind myself we are all human.

Share before you're ready

One of my friend’s goals this year was to share more of his work in it's earlier stages, and I absolutely loved that idea. I work in design by day and there's lots of talk of iteration and sharing your process early on. I think it's a great idea, though I admit my fear often holds me back from it, but the times where I've mustered up the courage to do so have been incredibly beneficial for my work.

Through feedback and a fresh set of eyes on projects (both personal and professional design ones), I've been able to quickly get solutions to problems that were stumping me, or work through a narrative by bouncing ideas around with someone--often resulting in the work greatly improving.

If you're like me (always doubting yourself), there's another benefit to sharing earlier: you'll find out your story isn’t the big piece of shit you thought it was.

I recently shared the in-progress revised outline for the comic I'm working on, half-finished and riddled with notes and questions to myself. Many thanks to pal/friend-of-the-show Meaghan Carter (who is the creator of incredible webcomic, Godslave) for looking it over and leaving me comments—all of which were incredibly helpful. First, it let me know my idea was not terrible. Second, in talking with her, and going through her comments, I've been unable to tangle the knot in the middle of this yarn I'm trying to spin.

Done is better than perfect

This is something I tell myself over and over again, and I tell my friends over and over again. If I wait until it's perfect, it'll never get out there. And If I never put work out there, I'll never learn from it. I am by no means a good storyteller now, but I'm okay, and I got to okay by continually making things and trying to improve a couple of them on the next project.

I've watched people try to whittle away at something until it was up to the standard they envisioned, and often it resulted in frustration that years down the road little had budged or been made. If something ever did come from it, it was only once letting go that high bar that the output would match the fantasy in their head.

And I get it, I fall prey to it as well, and I saw it numerous times when I TA'd some comic classes in college. Students would struggle to put things to paper (and many of us do now), because while it's all up in your head it's like Schrodinger's perfect story. But the moment that a script has to come out, or an outline revised, or pencil to paper the complicated, messy reality hits us.

It’s so terrifying to bring to life this baby you’ve been dreaming of, and then having to confront your flaws, but make it and release it anyways. Hoping it will connect and resonate with other.

The cringe of being genuine, or, the fear of being vulnerable.

I think one fear that applies to all my projects, but especially to this one, is the fear of being genuine and that being perceived as "cringe". I've noticed culturally right now we seem to have some revulsion towards things that are a little sappy, a little honest, a little less abstracted. I think sometimes that's why fantasy gets a lot of flack (it’s very earnest in it’s love for the fantastic, for tales of good vs evil, etc).

In this instance, I try to remind myself that not everyone is going to like everything I do, and that's okay. I'm just out here telling stories for myself and like 10 fellow weirdos.

Take Everything Everywhere All at Once which got a lot of flack for “pandering”, even though for me it really laid bare the strained relationship I have with my immigrant mother in a way few stories have (it’s weird, it’s complicated, it makes you laugh, it makes you cry). There’s a big propensity to give in to cynicism and hopelessness, even though (and Waymond exists in EEAAO to remind us this) hope is the point. Trying in spite of it all is the point.

Recommendation corner

Something I read: A Frog in the Fall

Despite back this comic on kickstarted and owning it for about a year now, I just got around to reading this very wholesome travel tale (don’t let the above image which I have taken out of context fool you, it’s very chill and cute).

Something I watched: All the Beauty and the Bloodshed

A documentary focusing on the life, work, and activism of photography Nan Goldin (my favourite photographer!). Goldin grew up in the queer scenes of Boston and NYC, and photographed candid shots of a lot of her queer friends—an act which in itself is a kind of activism (including her curated gallery show speaking on the AiDS epidemic when it was still taboo). As if that wasn’t enough she does a lot co-founded PAIN, tackling the opiod crisis and trying to fight for better treatement for those with substance use disorders.

On the flip side, if you want a light-hearted rompy adventure, I saw the D&D movie in theatres recently and it was good fun!

Something I listened to: Writers Roundtable: Jordan Peele, Rian Johnson, Daniel Kwan, Tony Kushner & More | THR Roundtables

Counting this as a listened to, because aside from a couple stills/screenshots, it’s basically a podcast. But this is an incredibly inspiring round table from some great filmmakers, including my favourite, Jordan Peele. I particularly liked his thoughts about understanding that if he must accept there are infinite bad ideas, then there are infinite good ideas.

Something I played: RE4 Remake

This section won’t always be here because I go through phases of gaming, but I played the RE4 remake and it was good horror fun!

Until next time!

Even now, I’m grappling with feeling like this newsletter is a little cringe, or doesn’t go in depth enough (despite clocking 1500+ words, eek!). But I’ve just gotta put it out there!

In the meantime, I’m racing to finish this revised outline. Hope to catch all you weirdos next month!